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Thursday, 10 March 2016

The deafening silence of loneliness.

Recently, to put it bluntly, I've felt pretty much like a big old bag of shit. I'm not sure whether it's because of my situation, which some will know is pretty shite. Coming out of an incredibly abusive, controlling relationship to try and find freedom and be able to move on, to still being controlled and restricted in so many ways. In ways, I can move on, and am, and everything is a step in the right direction despite it feeling like a road that never ends.
Since moving back into London I've been significantly happier, to be able to see my friends and family on a daily basis and having a support network, having therapy and counselling and knowing that there's always somewhere for me to turn is invaluable.
My problem is when i'm not feeling 100% I lack motivation to do anything. All I seem to manage to be able to do is sit in bed with a multi-pack of crisps and Netflix for three days straight when I'm not with my daughter.
When I am with her, were always busy, non stop. If I'm not taking her to the park, were hanging out with friends and other people I know who have kids, or we go and have a fun day, like going to the museum or one of the farms. Then she goes to bed, and for a few hours everything's quiet, and despite her being right next to me, I'm alone again, and the silence of it all, its deafening.
I've been exploring loneliness and the correlation between it and abuse within relationships for one of the books I'm writing and if you've read this personal blog before you'll know that I've mentioned the initial loneliness you feel after a break up, but what I've read has really resonated within me and made me question myself extensively.
I'm unashamedly someone who likes being close to someone, there's nothing really wrong with that. Everyone likes being in some kind of relationship when its good. Having somebody always to talk to, who cares about you, who makes time for you just as you do them. My issue is that for the last well, nearly 4 years now really,  I've been in this toxic mess and although its been over for nearly a year, i'm still trying to figure out what the hell that relationship even was because what at the time I thought I was a part of, was the direct opposite of the reality.
During that time, my soul, my core being, that was alone, it had nobody, it didn't even have me. Locked in a box and buried about as far away as possibly in a cold and dark place. It's taking a long time but I'm slowly getting it back.

“Do you ever feel that way?"
"Lonely?"
I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As is you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."
He nods, and I think he's appeasing me. I feel stupid of having said it. It's sentimental and true, and I've revealed a part of myself I shouldn't have.
"Do you know what I think?" Kartik says at last.
"What?"
"Sometimes, I think you can glimpse it in another.” 
― Libba BrayThe Sweet Far Thing

I met someone recently that I saw my own loneliness in. Surrounded by people constantly, them propping you up at all times, hoping you don't fall over, trying to keep you safe, when the fight you have isn't with your body, you're not trying to keep it whole. You're trying to keep your mind from fracturing further and no matter how strong they hold you or how high they lift you up, They cant hold your mind. It hurt me seeing it, and it hurt me mostly because it showed a truth within myself that I've been trying so hard to keep in denial. Maybe he liked the melancholy of it all too much, who knows.

“Why am I so anxious? And then it hits me. I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic - seeing the car just as it hits you.” 
― Augusten BurroughsDry

I don't think I necessarily want to be in a relationship, I've got to relearn what it means to be in a relationship that isn't a fucking disaster first, Whats good and whats not. Those lines were severely crossed in the last one, so much that I was so desperate to know that he loved me when the guy is incapable of loving anything. All he knew how to do was objectify everything I did and make it seem like it was normal.
It wasn't hard getting over that relationship, I felt like a dove flying out its cage and into the sky the moment I left. I guess its not hard to do that when you realise the person you were in love with was just a fragment of your imagination and didn't exist. You can't miss someone you never knew at all, let alone love them.
I'm just so in love with the idea of being in love. I'm a romantic, and I've read too much Shakespeare to want to settle with anything that isn't what I want now, but then again does Shakespearean love even exist? The true intensity of wanting to be completely at one with another. To love them just as they love you, including volatility and compromise, and support. It's a tough one.
I've come very close to getting into a relationship since I left my ex, relatively soon after we broke up, and thank GOD I didn't because its taken me so long to just work out what I need to improve within myself to make myself happy completely and solely and to be OK on my own and not at odds with every thought I ever have. I argue with myself about whether or not I can be bothered to get up and make food about 6 times an hour.
I need to let myself enjoy my life and have all these new experiences and meet new people, but learning to enjoy myself and not feel guilty about it, that's the big test. I wont get that sat in bed, getting fat and watching The Good Wife on repeat.
So to all the friends I've hidden away from, or bailed on, or have been a stressed out mood hoover around recently, call me, lets do something fun like climbing trees or taking photographs of dogs in jokes costumes.
Tonight, I for one am finally going to muster up the motivation to try and get a few more thousand words into one of the books I'm working on and listen to PJ Harvey and CocoRosie and work on a plan to get myself doing more, filling my days out, and I promise to google sexy pictures of Alan Cumming only once.
I leave you with one of the greats...

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” 
― Hunter S. ThompsonThe Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967


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