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Thursday, 24 December 2015

All I want for Christmas is you. My first Christmas without my daughter.

Yesterday I handed beautiful little hurricane of a daughter over to her Grandparents. Shes now going to spend the next 5 days with her Father. The next 5 days happen to be Christmas.
I knew it was coming, I had planned since we split for her to go with her Father so I get her next year when shes 3 and understands a bit more about whats going on. It doesn't make it any easier.
The night before, I let her sleep in bed with me, (something I shouldn't really let her do but on occasion * cough -every night* I will allow it.) I lay that evening holding her so close to me whilst I cried. Too afraid to let go for fear that I wont be holding her if I wake up, that she wont be there. This morning, I wake up to that fear being a reality.
Since her father and I split, I have had a particularly rough time and have at times felt close to losing her, luckily contrary to certain other peoples beliefs I am a great Mum, I may do things that seem somewhat unconventional to others,and that doesn't make me any less of a parent, but every single time she goes away I live in fear that she wont come home again. Something nobody should ever be made to feel.
I often used to think that we could celebrate Christmas and her birthday together with her Dad, a naive thought. It will never be possible to have any kid of relationship with him, and that pains me for Arabella, even my parents who really, really do not like each other have mostly stayed civil. I so wish this was easier, so we both don't have to miss out. Yet another naive thought.
Christmas is supposed to be about being with the ones you love, your family, the people closest to you, but what do you do when the only person you want to be with isn't going to be there? This time of year is so wonderfully juvenile when you have a child, everything is exciting again, you live it through their eyes.
When she walked through my back gate and into the car, it was as if the world fell around me. White noise. I only came around and back to reality when everything seemed to be so loud, and then realised that it was my own self screaming. Screaming with every single fiber of my being. It felt as if my organs were being ripped out of my mouth, like my heart was exploding, all for the wrong reasons. I've experienced this feeling many times in the last 6 months, but this time, the knife cut just that bit deeper.
When she wakes on Christmas morning, my face wont be the first thing she sees, she will no doubt have a lovely day, playing with toys she'll forget about in a day or two, whilst entertaining everyone around her. She's got this thing about her you see, she just makes everyone around her smile even when she's being a bit of a bugger.
I am so grateful that in my life I have one of the most incredible friends, who has an equally incredible family that have asked me to join them, and I'll be waking up to the comfort of knowing I am loved, be it in a different way than what ideally I would like on my Christmas morning, but loved none the less.
Cherish your children, every second of their presence. To those parents lucky enough to spend such a magical day with your offspring, and to the many that wont be able to, we are so fortunate to be able to be Mothers, Fathers, Step parents, and we may not be with the ones that we love, but make sure they know you love them.

All I want for Christmas is my daughter, and for my daughter to be happy and safe, at least I know she'll be the latter. Here's to seeing in the New Year with you Arabella, and what a different year it will be. Mumma's always got you Keeks.




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3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss - but it is only temporary. Christmas accentuates everything - good and bad. Enjoy yourself. Be free for a few days of the awesome burden of motherhood. Then she will be home and you can begin a whole new year together X

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  2. I know it seems impossible now. Ruby's father and I split nearly 5 years ago yet this is the first Christmas he will be having her in the afternoon and over night. I have cried and cried but then I think it's only 1 day. You can have your very own Christmas Day with her when she is home. Have the magic all over again. You may be able to become civil with her dad one day. Ruby's dad and I get on fine now, and I get on well with her step mum. It takes time for things to settle. Enjoy your day with friends, have a drink and be merry. Arabella will be happy and when she sees you she will be completely excited and have another Christmas with mummy x

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  3. This really had me in tears.

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