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Thursday, 24 December 2015

All I want for Christmas is you. My first Christmas without my daughter.

Yesterday I handed beautiful little hurricane of a daughter over to her Grandparents. Shes now going to spend the next 5 days with her Father. The next 5 days happen to be Christmas.
I knew it was coming, I had planned since we split for her to go with her Father so I get her next year when shes 3 and understands a bit more about whats going on. It doesn't make it any easier.
The night before, I let her sleep in bed with me, (something I shouldn't really let her do but on occasion * cough -every night* I will allow it.) I lay that evening holding her so close to me whilst I cried. Too afraid to let go for fear that I wont be holding her if I wake up, that she wont be there. This morning, I wake up to that fear being a reality.
Since her father and I split, I have had a particularly rough time and have at times felt close to losing her, luckily contrary to certain other peoples beliefs I am a great Mum, I may do things that seem somewhat unconventional to others,and that doesn't make me any less of a parent, but every single time she goes away I live in fear that she wont come home again. Something nobody should ever be made to feel.
I often used to think that we could celebrate Christmas and her birthday together with her Dad, a naive thought. It will never be possible to have any kid of relationship with him, and that pains me for Arabella, even my parents who really, really do not like each other have mostly stayed civil. I so wish this was easier, so we both don't have to miss out. Yet another naive thought.
Christmas is supposed to be about being with the ones you love, your family, the people closest to you, but what do you do when the only person you want to be with isn't going to be there? This time of year is so wonderfully juvenile when you have a child, everything is exciting again, you live it through their eyes.
When she walked through my back gate and into the car, it was as if the world fell around me. White noise. I only came around and back to reality when everything seemed to be so loud, and then realised that it was my own self screaming. Screaming with every single fiber of my being. It felt as if my organs were being ripped out of my mouth, like my heart was exploding, all for the wrong reasons. I've experienced this feeling many times in the last 6 months, but this time, the knife cut just that bit deeper.
When she wakes on Christmas morning, my face wont be the first thing she sees, she will no doubt have a lovely day, playing with toys she'll forget about in a day or two, whilst entertaining everyone around her. She's got this thing about her you see, she just makes everyone around her smile even when she's being a bit of a bugger.
I am so grateful that in my life I have one of the most incredible friends, who has an equally incredible family that have asked me to join them, and I'll be waking up to the comfort of knowing I am loved, be it in a different way than what ideally I would like on my Christmas morning, but loved none the less.
Cherish your children, every second of their presence. To those parents lucky enough to spend such a magical day with your offspring, and to the many that wont be able to, we are so fortunate to be able to be Mothers, Fathers, Step parents, and we may not be with the ones that we love, but make sure they know you love them.

All I want for Christmas is my daughter, and for my daughter to be happy and safe, at least I know she'll be the latter. Here's to seeing in the New Year with you Arabella, and what a different year it will be. Mumma's always got you Keeks.




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Thursday, 3 December 2015

This evening, I'm ashamed to be British.

This evening, our government, formally known as 'the people's voice,' voted to join with Russia and the US to start air strikes on Syria. Meanwhile, thousands crowded onto Parliament Square protesting just that. Were they listened to? No. Were the hundreds of thousands of people who signed the petition listened to? Absolutely not, in fact, the 'impartial' speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow, former Husband to 'that' women that kept flashing herself around Parliament and had a brief, incredibly embarrassing stint on celebrity big brother, mocked the petition as a whole.

The current war in Syria is not a simple one, and is impossible to be described in Layman's terms. In short, its reported, it's president, Assad started fighting against his own people in retaliation to them pretty much not being happy with his regime. The people he was fighting were essentially the 'rebels' and you may remember when we voted against arming these people, which technically we ended up arming anyway. These rebels became fractioned off and some would say this was when IS sort of started, which isn't true as that in itself started as a tangent of Taliban jihads, but they in turn became a greater force than the actual rebels and now the rebels are fighting them too.
The problem is that its widely reported that Assad is using chemical weapons. There's definitely been chemical attacks but everyone is blaming each other. That's up for you to decide.

It is however, imperative to try and realise that this war we are entering into is not one to protect Syria's people. How do we say we are protecting them whilst they watch our bombs land on their homes, schools and hospitals. How are we protecting them from the need they feel to flee and travel on the 'death boats' across the tumultuous sea, in which they will most likely die anyway, if not from the cruel mistress of the waters but from having to live in a camp with next to no hygiene implements, below freezing temperatures and limited aid. We are not protecting them, we might as well be writing their eulogies, "The promised to protect me, but they killed me instead."

This will not stop IS. This will only give them more reason to increase their horrific crimes onto others, and the west will be prime targets. We are not safer, and the country as a whole will degenerate within that. In the last year religious hate crimes and especially anti-Muslim crimes have soared in the years since Lee Rigby was murdered. Just last month a man was pushed in front of a tube because he was Muslim. Luckily, the perpetrator, an 80 something year old man was a second too late.
The prejudice in this country will continue to grow, and the pain these people will feel of not being accepted will only make it easier for extremists to radicalise, its almost an employment tactic.
In October, the pig lover himself said, "Russia's bombing in Syria will only lead to further radicalisation and increased terrorism," and yet here we are, about to go and do just that.

To the 397 members of parliament who are supposed to represent us, I am ashamed. You have successfully made your own people ashamed to be British. You do not represent me, and you can call pacifists 'terrorist sympathisers' all you want, but I would much rather be known as someone who believes in human beings and believes that nobody deserves to die, than have the blood of the people I'm supposed to protect on my own fingertips.

I'll be going to my bed this evening broken hearted. Broken for the people we are about to cowardly murder, and for the future of this country and what we are leaving for the next generations. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

I leave you with this song;
Black Sabbath - War Pigs. 

"Politicians hide themselves away, 
They only started the war
Why should they go out to fight?
The leave that role to the poor.
Time will tell on their power minds, 
Making war just for fun, 
Treating people just like pawns in chess,
Wait 'till their judgement day comes"








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