The nightmares where you're screaming but no sound comes out, trying to run but never getting away.
You can get lost in that void.
The fears of recognising that there's a problem and making the changes to escape are often greater than the ones of being stuck there forever.
I made the decisions necessary for myself to break the cycle. To many, i'm quite sure it seemed selfish, but if it had continued then there would be no positivies, only negatives, and nobody would have benefited in the long run.
This time now, alone in a different way, has given me time to reflect. Of course we are our own worst critic, and the silence of my flat has been the catalyst for my self awareness.
I know i've in some ways written about my 'self discovery' before, however I think its important to keep processing.
In the last few months the support i've received has been immense. I truly believe that during testing times, the people who really are there for you will make themselves known, and often it can include people you never really knew did care so much. Unfortunately, there too are the ones that pretend to just to get something from you, be it information or affection. These people are not your friends, and are really quite transparent if you think about it. ("Women are not machines where you put kindness coins in to to get sex out")
I'm also grateful for the new people i've met in this time, certain ones have shown me different perspectives that only outsiders could do. I've also learnt things about myself that I never really thought possible. Things that were most likely always there, but lay dormant until somebody came and woke them up.
I have complete control of who I am, my mind, my body, my feelings. All aspects of my being.
Naturally, we all have 'blips' where we dont feel so great that day. Where those tests that life throws at you momentarily seem so overpowering, where throwing the towel in and giving in would be so much easier, but the fight that we are all battling is so worth it in the end.
However when all these people are gone, and it is just you in your home, you have to listen to yourself, to your emotions, what you want to do and how to create positive change for not just your life, but everyone that plays a part in it.
As a type of person who wants to constantly be doing something, (much to the annoyance of my friends) going on adventures and learning from new experiences, being in with nothing (my unorganised closet will disagree) to do has been a steep learning curve.
Some people have suggested excercise (no,) or cooking, things like that. Where as I always have my writing and will write every day, and now i've always got embroidery to do too, but I need something else. I have been trying to get back into meditation, something my ADD has always made pretty impossible however if I keep going at it and crack it, that's a pretty big personal achievement.
So many people I know, actually, most the people I know, are at the moment going through these great life transitions where the unknown is so prominent for their futures, and I have never been known for being the most optimistic person, in fact I'm such a sarcastic pessimist by nature that even my current outlook confuses me. It is what it is. If I sat and thought about all the pain, hurt and real betrayal that naturally I have every right to feel, it will only manifest itself in ways that are so counter productive that I wont benefit, my life wont benefit and the people around me also will not benefit.
I'm learning to love the silence, the calm, the true quiet, and I'm learning to love all the spontaneous, impromptu things life throws at me and deal with them with control and without fear.
When I'm on my deathbed, and some idiot thinks its appropriate to ask me if I would have done anything different, I want to be able to say no, and honestly.
As always this is what I've listened to whilst writing this: