This is my face, something you've probably seen many times if you follow me on social media. I'll come back to it in a second.
During my previous posts you have probably seen that I've been having some 'identity' problems you may say. I think I've partially solved them.
As you may have guessed, I am no longer with my daughters Father. I wont say anything negative about him on this, as he is a great Dad and will one day make a girl very happy, (which he's more than capable of doing,) but long story short, I wasn't happy and I was struggling so much with who I was/am/are...
The transition to single parent is not an easy one, and isn't going to get easier any time soon, and I'm aware that many people have the idea that because I was the one that left her Dad, that I shouldn't be struggling, or that I shouldn't be unhappy because this is what I wanted. Now I've made my bed, and right now I'm enjoying lying in it, but to all those who have come to the conclusion that I deserve all the struggle, please go fuck yourself, and when you get there, fuck off some more. Your opinion is neither wanted, warranted, or needed.
I'm somewhat unsure of how this has come about, or what has happened in the last lets say, two weeks but I can honestly sit here and say that I am so happy. I mean, lets be honest, I don't have a job, i'm skint and looking after the kipper on my own is HARD but when it comes to myself, I'm good.
I am partial to a selfie, and to many i'm sure that it gives the impression that I am very self obsessed, narcissistic, whatever, and to an extent, of course I am. I used to post them a lot because I felt as if I needed the attention and gratification to feel like a human being that was desired, not necessarily in a sexual way but in a human one. Now I used that picture above because when I took it, and when I posted it, I was truly happy, and I think it shows. I look good right now! I'm in better shape now than before I was pregnant, my skins good, my hair is a complete shit show but I like it. I also really like this striped top, but that's a story for another time.
I think I need to give credit where credits due and really thank my friends for helping me come to this state of contentment. I cannot count the hours I've spent on the phone late at night to people, sobbing, moaning, shouting, getting it all out and getting solid advice back that for once I think I've actually listened to, and my girls, god my SIW's I love you. I don't know if I could have made it through the last few months without them giving up so much of their time and energy, standing up for be, no questions asked whenever I've needed them and even when I haven't. I've never felt more safe and comfortable to be myself, than when I'm with them. We are all so different and that got me thinking, I really fucking enjoy being different.
Why would anyone ever want to be the same as anyone else, or fit in with them? I don't fit in with the yummy mummy's because not every day do I want to wear nautical colours and perfect my hair and nails before leaving the house, I don't fit in with the posh girls because I've got tattoo's and I'm too rough around the edges, I don't fit in with the common kids because my backgrounds too middle class and I speak well. I'm not these people, there's nothing wrong with them, but I love that you can't pigeon hole me. I have friends from so many different circles, and I'm influenced by them all. I've had experienced in my life that people can only dream of, and can only live through nightmares.
I am happy with myself because I'm so many different things. I am that person who's comfortable with my own skin and I'm also that person crying on the floor,wanting the fucking world to end, wishing the ground would swallow me up or to just cease to exist.
Some of this change of personal attitude may be because I've come across a lot of posts from this time 4 years ago where I was going through another awful breakup, but not one that I wanted. I keep reading all the pieces and poems I wrote from that time and they are all so dark, its like I was reliving it all but like I was watching a film almost? I never, ever want to feel like that again. I thought that I had lost myself this time round, but I was a shell of a human then. I just don't know why I've given these situations so much power and energy. In hindsight, that relationship was horrendously destructive to my personal well-being and I probably didn't really know him at all because I'd turned into this weird little robot that just idolised everything he did and said without even thinking about it, I alienated myself from my friends and its taken me until literally this month to finally reconnect with someone who's friendship I valued so much. I am not going to allow myself to be like that again. I'm taking the control back and doing what makes me happy. I want to look back on this in four years time, find this and think you know what, you're killing it. I want to read it and feel empowered, because that's how I feel right now. I feel alive! I am finding out all these things about myself because I'm knocking down those bullshit walls I've had up for so many years.
If you don't like something, don't be a bellend and sit there moping about it, change it. Listen to your gut instinct, it might be wrong but at least you'll get some fucking life experience from it.
The great things about me wouldn't be there without the bad. That darkness that I feel surrounds me so often is a good thing, and it's only now that I can see it. I've got to use it to make the good.
This probably reads as complete nonsense but I had to get it off my chest, my life is going through this mad transition, and its so bi polar, but I'm excited. I'm excited for my future, I'm excited for Arabella's future. I'm just so euphoric almost about myself because I know I can do it and I can get through this all and I can be me. I'm a mother, but it's not everything I am. I am a human being, I am a friend, I love hard and I'm loyal. If you want to join the contribution to trying to make me feel any less than this then I encourage you to try, because I always win, and I always get what I want eventually, and I will not be beaten down by anyone anymore.
As usual, here's what I've been listening to whilst writing this. Yes I am aware that it's Paramore, and yes I think they are great.
Paramore - Moving On
Paramore - Be Alone