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Thursday, 17 September 2015

Don't call me crazy.

 I'm an over sharer, not sad about it either. It's just who I am, and thinking about it, I do also like to see people's reactions to things they don't have the balls to talk about. Slightly sadistic maybe but hey ho. I don't have any qualms writing how I feel about things, no fear here in that respect.

However, something I really don't agree with is feeling as if I have to censor myself and I've received some lets say, 'comments' that have implied that I possibly may discuss too openly matters of my mental well being.

Well, to you I bid farewell and an added go fuck yourself.
2/3 people have some form of mental illness and something mad like 90% of the worlds population will at one time suffer from mental illness. So why shouldn't I talk about it? Because it could affect my wish to have shared custody of my daughter seems to be the resounding answer from these 'people'.

What a crock of shit. How is it possible for people to still think that they can use mental health as a basis that someone is or is not fit enough to parent. It's not accepted in a court of law unless it also has a side salad of substance abuse , violence or sexual abuse. So why does Joe public think that it's OK to use it against someone? WHY!

Does it really matter so much to always seem to be fine on the outside? It's OK not to be OK you know. I personally much prefer having relationships with people who are open about their issues, what's the point in hiding them? Never ever let anyone tell you that how you're feeling is not OK.

For example, many people know that I've got ADD so my brain essentially is thinking about so many things at once all the time and quite often reaches quite irrational conclusions which leads to other issues which leads to depression. It's also no secret that me and my weight haven't always been the best of pals back in the day, but being conscious of these issues and open about them makes all the difference, and I think that if anyone wasn't so  scared about other people's fucking perception of them or the way they feel then the world might just get on a bit better. 

My point is that none of these things make me or anyone a bad parent. Just because we are vocal about the struggle doesn't make any of us any less capable than anyone else. 

Talk to someone, communicate. There are people that understand and although at times, (this has been one of my biggest issues) you don't feel deserving of people's care, or that you can't contemplate why anyone would give two shits about you, there is. 
At the end of the day, we've all been shitty humans at some point, we are all full of contradictions and we're all just looking for someone who's demons play well with our own, so celebrate it. 

You are who you are and that's pretty good. Unless you're someone like Hitler, not so good. 

If you are someone that doesn't have a clue about mental health and like to take the piss out of people that might think a bit differently to you, then go to http://www.mind.org.uk. You might even find something out about yourself.

*Disclaimer* I have written this at 2am when very tired, there's a strong chance it makes no sense. 

Sunday, 13 September 2015

Me, myself and whoever the fuck Irene is.

This is my face, something you've probably seen many times if you follow me on social media. I'll come back to it in a second. 

During my previous posts you have probably seen that I've been having some 'identity' problems you may say. I think I've partially solved them. 

As you may have guessed, I am no longer with my daughters Father. I wont say anything negative about him on this, as he is a great Dad and will one day make a girl very happy, (which he's more than capable of doing,) but long story short, I wasn't happy and I was struggling so much with who I was/am/are... 

The transition to single parent is not an easy one, and isn't going to get easier any time soon, and I'm aware that many people have the idea that because I was the one that left her Dad, that I shouldn't be struggling, or that I shouldn't be unhappy because this is what I wanted. Now I've made my bed, and right now I'm enjoying lying in it, but to all those who have come to the conclusion that I deserve all the struggle, please go fuck yourself, and when you get there, fuck off some more. Your opinion is neither wanted, warranted, or needed.

I'm somewhat unsure of how this has come about, or what has happened in the last lets say, two weeks but I can honestly sit here and say that I am so happy. I mean, lets be honest, I don't have a job, i'm skint and looking after the kipper on my own is HARD but when it comes to myself, I'm good. 
I am partial to a selfie, and to many i'm sure that it gives the impression that I am very self obsessed, narcissistic, whatever, and to an extent, of course I am. I used to post them a lot because I felt as if I needed the attention and gratification to feel like a human being that was desired, not necessarily in a sexual way but in a human one. Now I used that picture above because when I took it, and when I posted it, I was truly happy, and I think it shows. I look good right now! I'm in better shape now than before I was pregnant, my skins good, my hair is a complete shit show but I like it. I also really like this striped top, but that's a story for another time. 

I think I need to give credit where credits due and really thank my friends for helping me come to this state of contentment. I cannot count the hours I've spent on the phone late at night to people, sobbing, moaning, shouting, getting it all out and getting solid advice back that for once I think I've actually listened to, and my girls, god my SIW's I love you. I don't know if I could have made it through the last few months without them giving up so much of their time and energy, standing up for be, no questions asked whenever I've needed them and even when I haven't. I've never felt more safe and comfortable to be myself, than when I'm with them. We are all so different and that got me thinking, I really fucking enjoy being different. 
Why would anyone ever want to be the same as anyone else, or fit in with them? I don't fit in with the yummy mummy's because not every day do I want to wear nautical colours and perfect my hair and nails before leaving the house, I don't fit in with the posh girls because I've got tattoo's and I'm too rough around the edges, I don't fit in with the common kids because my backgrounds too middle class and I speak well. I'm not these people, there's nothing wrong with them, but I love that you can't pigeon hole me. I have friends from so many different circles, and I'm influenced by them all. I've had experienced in my life that people can only dream of, and can only live through nightmares. 
I am happy with myself because I'm so many different things. I am that person who's comfortable with my own skin and I'm also that person crying on the floor,wanting the fucking world to end, wishing the ground would swallow me up or to just cease to exist. 

Some of this change of personal attitude may be because I've come across a lot of posts from this time 4 years ago where I was going through another awful breakup, but not one that I wanted. I keep reading all the pieces and poems I wrote from that time and they are all so dark, its like I was reliving it all but like I was watching a film almost? I never, ever want to feel like that again. I thought that I had lost myself this time round, but I was a shell of a human then. I just don't know why I've given these situations so much power and energy. In hindsight, that relationship was horrendously destructive to my personal well-being and I probably didn't really know him at all because I'd turned into this weird little robot that just idolised everything he did and said without even thinking about it, I alienated myself from my friends and its taken me until literally this month to finally reconnect with someone who's friendship I valued so much. I am not going to allow myself to be like that again. I'm taking the control back and doing what makes me happy. I want to look back on this in four years time, find this and think you know what, you're killing it. I want to read it and feel empowered, because that's how I feel right now. I feel alive! I am finding out all these things about myself because I'm knocking down those bullshit walls I've had up for so many years.

If you don't like something, don't be a bellend and sit there moping about it, change it. Listen to your gut instinct, it might be wrong but at least you'll get some fucking life experience from it.  

The great things about me wouldn't be there without the bad. That darkness that I feel surrounds me so often is a good thing, and it's only now that I can see it. I've got to use it to make the good.

This probably reads as complete nonsense but I had to get it off my chest, my life is going through this mad transition, and its so bi polar, but I'm excited. I'm excited for my future, I'm excited for Arabella's future. I'm just so euphoric almost about myself because I know I can do it and I can get through this all and I can be me. I'm a mother, but it's not everything I am. I am a human being, I am a friend, I love hard and I'm loyal. If you want to join the contribution to trying to make me feel any less than this then I encourage you to try, because I always win, and I always get what I want eventually, and I will not be beaten down by anyone anymore. 

As usual, here's what I've been listening to whilst writing this. Yes I am aware that it's Paramore, and yes I think they are great. 

Paramore - Moving On

Paramore - Be Alone

(Also I feel like I should also say a big thank you to my Dad and Annie Hats for always supporting me without judgement or blame and being an arm of communication between people when there would be none without it.)
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Tuesday, 1 September 2015

10 Of My Favourite Records.

Good evening! I have recently been asked on my tumblr  to do a post on my favourite albums. I really like the idea of doing this as music is something that so important to me, although narrowing it down is going to be HARD and I listen to so many different genres. So I think I'll just keep it to some of the most pivotal records in my life maybe? 

1. Alice Cooper - Welcome To My Nightmare 
My parentals broke up when I was 7 I believe and I must have spent years of my life on the hour drive from my Mums to my Dads, and I would always put this on in the car. If you have read my previous blog you would know that the song 'Only Women Bleed' is my all time favourite and its from this album. I remember those car journeys so well, mainly because the way back was always the saddest and I found so much comfort from the music my Dad would put on, which if I remember was either this, The Pretenders - Pretenders, Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense, every Ian Dury and The Blockheads record, any Pink Floyd record (we'll get to that later) and Supertramp's Breakfast in America. Im sure there's a lot more and I do still know every word to 10CC's clockwork creep that I'm sure my Dad ended up hating after the fourth time playing it in a row. 

2. The Offspring - Conspiracy of One.

Having a new older brother and sister was pretty hard to adjust to when I was a kid, and I didn't always find many things in common with them and my sister probably didnt talk to me for two years after I broke the head off her sporty spice doll and I feel like we really all did start bonding when Tom got this album. It was the first punk record I'd been introduced to, I only really listened to prog rock and whatever my dad had put on and I just remember thinking that this was the best music I had ever listened to, and when you're 8 that's a pretty big thing. I remember being in the back of the car with everyone holding the album sleeve trying to sing along to the lyrics. We ended up getting every other record that The Offspring ever made and to this day they definitely remain one of my favourite bands and I hold them so personally because of the change it made to my relationship with my kin, and well, because they are mint. 

3. Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. 

Now, I don't really feel like I need to say much about this record. I don't understand why people don't like Brand New. This is my favourite record of theirs and its quite close between this and Deja Entendu ( I still think that Guernica has the best first 6 seconds of any song ever). When I went through my first big heartbreak I listened to this on repeat, and when I was with him to be honest I listened to this on repeat, its seen me through so much and I know so many other people that also feel the same about it and even though I guess in a way I do still associate it with that person, it doesn't make me feel negatively about it. Anyway, Limousine is in my personal opinion the best song on it and everyone should listen to it at least once a week. 

4. Biffy Clyro - Puzzle 

When I was 18, someone very important in my life died and I didn't really know how to cope with it. If you knew me then, you can confirm that I was probably the worst person you've ever met. I had spent the last few years being a wicked sick chav and kind of hanging around with good people but people that didnt really have the same interests as me and I had isolated myself from most of my actual friends and it was only when my friend died that it really made me wake up and see that I had to change. The pain and rawness of him dying was so overwhelming and well, it still is, probably always will be. This is the record I sat and listened to every single day until I could come out the other side of it. I remember sitting in my mums kitchen and kicking all my friends out and putting this on and really just crying and I think that was the first time I realised he was dead and not coming back. He listened to drum and bass so would have hated this record and probably thought I was being emo or something. So if someone you know has just died and you're feeling really pretty fucking sad about it then I encourage you to listen to this, especially the track 'As Dust Dances,' or 'Just Boy' which is from a different record but its the song I want played at my funeral. 

5. Listener - Wooden Heart.

I cant actually remember how I came across listener, I think it was on Youtube randomly of a video of them in some tiny basement and there was so much energy and commitment from the singer, it was really quite captivating. His words really permeate with me and its one of those records like The Devil and God that I've listened to through every major 'indecent' in my life. I dont really know how to describe it to be honest, you just have to listen and i'm sure you'll get it. I've never seem them live though which sucks balls. Whenever theyve been playing near me I've ended up in hospital or something ridiculous like that.

6. De La Soul - The Best Of

I grew up in a small town in Somerset, and went to private school so urban music wasn't exactly a common listen however I did really like Beastie Boys, but when my Step Dad moved into my Mums it was a pretty turbulent time, and he bought me this and Gorillaz Clint Eastwood maybe to make me like him. Although that plan didn't work and I still didn't understand why he was there and my Dad wasn't, he did introduce me to all this music that I've loved every since. He's from the north and generally only listens to crap like Elbow or The Stone Roses but because Mother was a Class A cougar and he was pretty young he was really into 90's hip hop. So I ended up stealing all his CD's which probably only made him dislike me more, Soz Sean. However it really opened my life up to artists like Outkast, N.W.A, A Tribe Called Quest, The Pharcyde etc. 

7. Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American

I LOVE JIMMY EAT WORLD and I've spent so much of time pissing about back and forth from various parts of America and this has always been what I'm listening to while I was travelling anywhere. On the metro, greyhound (never ever ever get that), amtrak, flights, tour, anything, this was always what I would listen to and I have so many great memories from being there and listening to this. Also when Angels and Kings was open, (is it still open?) on a Sunday there was a live band called the sex havers or something random like that and they would always cover at least three songs and it would always be my favourite time of the week when I could go there and see that. It just never fails to make me happy and put me in a good mood. It's definitely what I want to listen to when I want to go on an adventure, which in all fairness is most of the time. 

8. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here.

This is another one that's down to my Dad. I could listen to this every day until the end of my life. Without stating the obvious it always makes me think of all the people I've lost in life and all the people that I miss terribly. Although my dad did once tell me that he had a dream once that I died 'doing something stupid' and that they played shine on you crazy diamond at the funeral. The idea of that made me quite sad but also made me feel quite close to my Dad, this whole album does actually. The big man himself was actually in the process of collecting all the pink floyd vinyl he could find for me (he has them all himself and wont share). So this ones always for you Padre the Great. 

9. Portishead - Dummy.

There's a lot of Mark Tomlin specials in this list I have realised, which is understandable as he is the person who's introduced music to me. This is one of them. He always says that Beth Gibbons has the most interesting voice he's ever heard, although I'm quite sure hes said the same about Janis Joplin too. I love this record for so many reasons, the biggest one is that its something I can go to when I'm felling really quite shite and it always seems to help give me some clarity. I really love music that is mysterious and has elements of magic to it, and this is full of it. I've never not listened to it and not had goosebumps. If I took drugs I think I'd like to do them then listen to this. I've found myself listening to roads quite a lot at the moment and relating to it. 

10. Fleetwood Mac - Rumours.

My writing is so important to me, creativily, I can do lots of different things, I can make things, I can draw, I can play instruments but the only thing i've found that actually makes me happy and gives me something is my writing. For a long time, and probably why this blog went doormant for a long time is that I felt so uninspired and didnt write anything for about 6 months. I think thats a product of unhappiness of the environment I was in, but whenever I haven't had any type of block I always listen to this to feel inspired. There's something so special about Fleetwood Mac, they are like magic, true magic. My favourite Fleetwood Mac song is Tusk, which isnt on this album though. I love American Horror Story and the fact that Coven was so heavily inspired by them just reiterated how much I love them. The song You Make Loving Fun is the best one on this record though, it makes me want to be in love with someone and live in Verona.

I've got so many records that I adore that this list could be 100 strong given half a chance, but I hope you enjoy these just as much as I do. 

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Soul Food.

I don't understand why as the current 'youth' of today, (I use the term mildly as I am in my mid 20's) that we spend so much of our lives trying to bare our souls to the internet. Why do we feel the need to appear to be 'cool' or 'relevant' just to gain followers.
We are all guilty of it, and I'm certainly not an innocent party. Since particular recent changes in my life I've definitely been posting more and not about anything worth knowing about, mainly pictures of my face that have been through about 4 filters on afterlight.
It got my thinking, what do we know about the people that we do follow, and what do you think your personal expense is every time you post something? I of course respect and support the people I know that are the very confident body type sur le internet, and I've always wondered what they gain from it. Not in a judgmental way, more curiosity. However if I had a smoking hot booty like a lot of them i'm sure i'd have at least one picture of it circulating.
I don't have that many followers in comparison to a lot of people, but yet I don't post anything that's popular on the internet. I'm not a model, or a tattoo artist or a photographer, I'm not in a band or spreading any PMA 'I'm a good person here's a life quote I stole' crap, yet I still feel like i'm projecting some false sense of self. It's true that people only see what you show them, and if you're only showing them what you believe that they want to see, do you then in turn become the lie for caring so much?
Personally I am a fan of a picture of my face if I like my makeup that day or am feeling good about myself, but I don't often post about the actual things that I do enjoy, other than albums that I am possibly listening to at the time.
So I thought I would let you know the things that I am interested in, in case one day you were wondering who I actually am beyond the projection of superficial narcissism.
Other than my Dad, the only other true male loves of my life are Alice Cooper and The Rock.
I have a tendency to make most conversations I have quite morbid. I am really interested in death and how people die, which probably comes from loosing people from a very early age, as a youngun, understanding it made coping with it a lot easier. I guess that goes hand in hand with the supernatural, in folk lore and in real life. I don't expect everyone to believe in ghosts, until you experience something. I'm quite aware of things around me in that respect. My house currently has a resident ghost that I've been calling Jeff as I think it goes with his creepy demeanor. The first time I saw him was upstairs in my lounge and he'd been staying downstairs around my kitchen and hallway area but since Arabella's dad has moved out hes been making himself known a lot more upstairs again, which i'm not so happy about.
Not that I ever do it, but I can pretty much find my way around any type of needle craft pretty well, however saying that I have ordered some hoops to start doing embroidery again.
I write for at least an hour a day, and carry around a journal at all times in case I think of something. I'm currently writing, well curating a book of my poems that I'm going to try and get published.
When describing my style I don't think anyone would ever describe me as feminine or provocative. I will never be the type of parent that solely shops in per una and joules whilst jogging around the park with my pram and disgruntled toddler. I wear what I think looks good at the time, which is usually a baggy shirt, jeans and trainers or boots. I don't try and impress other people aesthetically, I enjoy make up but that's mainly for myself.
I am a huge romantic to the point that I have in my mind an ideal person that doesn't exist and has probably been forged from reading too much poetry. I have ended serious relationships because I'm not happy with the lack of romance and passion that I want from something or someone and I have little to no patience with games that people play with each other, if you like someone just tell them and go from there instead of trying to see how long you can ignore the other to see how interested they are. I find it very calculated and even in platonic relationships, I have no interest in it.
See these are just a few bits of information about myself that really are not that interesting. I'm even reading it back now and it just reiterates to myself what an awkward nerd I am that would rather be sat watching Interview with a vampire or Romeo + Juliet on repeat than actually doing anything of common interest.
My point is that you never really know anybody from just seeing what they put on the internet and no matter how great their lives seem to be they are probably sat weeping at x factor like the rest of us on a Saturday night, waiting for the person they like to respond to them whilst going through Instagram wishing we had the stamina to do a squat challenge.
Maybe we should all be doing things that gives ourselves a bit more soul food instead of trying to feed everyone else's appetite.

Here's my favourite song of all time, that actually been my favourite song since I was about 6 according to my Father, which I only really ever understood and resonated with in later life. Things always go in cycles.

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